Endurance....Side Effects of Taxol....Ingrown Toenail....

     Everything takes extra time for us getting ready to go somewhere; with Mark and his broken ankle and two hammer toes fixed (1) on each foot, Paul who is generally slow anyway and then myself with the cancer and my foot in a boot. I'm exhausted just getting everyone ready let alone going to where we are going. Austin, Mitch and Chris have been really helpful especially with Mark. Paul has actually been really helpful also. This is the process we go through with Mark every time we go somewhere; to leave the house he uses his scooter to go to the front door, someone holds the door open, he can use the railing & the scooter to slowly go down the steps, then he gets in the car and someone has to lift his scooter into the back of the car. Getting back into the house is a little different. Someone gets the scooter out, he gets on it, scoots over to the front steps, someone hands him his crutch and his gloves and he hops up the steps, then someone lifts up the scooter to the porch he gets on and goes inside. As you can see it's a project. He is doing really well except for the boredom. Sometimes I would keep Paul home either because I was sick, didn't have the energy or was overwhelmed. See Mark usually would get Paul up and ready for the bus and work and now since he's been not weight bearing it's fallen to me to take care of him which is ok but with being sick I just did what I could.
     I ended up getting an ingrown toenail so my doctor put me on an antibiotic. It wasn't getting better so I had to go to the foot doctor and have her cut the nail out. She extended the antibiotic. She also told me that one of the chemo medicines I was on the (Taxol) had a side effect of ingrown toenails.

Last Chemo Treatment!!!!...feelings...

     I am quite relieved that this year is coming to a close and hoping that the New Year will be filled with; good health, love, optimism, growth, and happiness! I had my last Chemo appointment last Monday a few days before Christmas. I was hoping I would feel better to be able to enjoy Christmas. I did enjoy it I just got extremely exhausted along with the usual nausea. I'm excited to think that I won't be nauseated anymore! I'm getting used to wearing my wig. It gets hot so at home I usually wear a bandanna or a hat. I don't really care if people that come by frequently see me bald but I'm still uncomfortable with people in general seeing me. Like Matt & Mitch have seen me bald and the family. Peyton is getting used to it. I like the wig. It was bright blonde when I got it, it wasn't me so I colored it the day after I got it. I used a colored mousse because I wasn't sure how quickly it would grab the color. I thought it turned out really good. It was my mom's German Christmas party that same night. It took me forever to color the wig so we were late to the party. When I walked in everyone oohed and awed over how good my wig looked and how natural it was. The party was fun.  

     We have had one thing after another happen this year, I hope we are done. Being sick has worn on me. Physically I'm exhausted. I have never felt a total exhaustion like the exhaustion chemo gives you. My red blood cells are low so I'm anemic, my white blood cells are low so my chances of getting sick are increased, so I'm constantly washing my hands. With having low red blood cells (which are the cells that carry your oxygen) your body isn't getting enough oxygen throughout your body, causing you to have effects like; when picking something up off of the floor and being dizzy upon standing up, getting winding climbing the stairs, and not thinking clearly. You also get what they call chemo brain. The doctor told me it was like not forgetting but not being able to come up with the right word. At first during the chemo I didn't notice it to much but towards the end I began to notice it a lot. When I sit down to write something is where I notice it the most. I will go back and read what I had written and it didn't make sense. I either had double words, left out a word or had put in another word for what I actually meant to say. In a conversation I'll be telling someone something and I can't come up with the word, so I will explain what the word I want does or something like that. The person I'm talking with can usually help fill in the word or I might come up with it on my own after awhile. It's frustrating. I don't trust what I'm trying to say sometimes. I have had some depression creep in at times but I think it's mostly because I'm become worn down.

2nd to Last Chemo Treatment!...Going Bald...Getting My Wig, ......

I am really excited to talk with my Son Elder Featherstone (Parker) on Christmas!! Today is my last chemo treatment! I will be sick for a day or two but will hopefully be better to enjoy Christmas. My doctor’s office is closing. Her partner is retiring so Dr. Prystas will be moving over to Huntsman Cancer. I will continue to see her there. I will also continue to see my OB Oncologist. Last week was my last visit at their office. My nurse Kathy gave me a treat bag with a granola like mix in it with a label saying, congratulations on your last treatment!

I have now had massive amounts (handfuls) of hair coming out, so I made the decision to call my wig guy (Rich) and tell him I was ready. I had been shedding so much it got to be so annoying, I was done, it was coming off. So on Friday afternoon after Peyton’s preschool
program I received a phone call from Rich saying he had an opening at 5 pm and wanted to know if I wanted it? Of course I did, or did I? I was ready…We went to the salon, Mark, Courtney and I. Rich wanted Mark to wait out front so it would be a surprise, so he went around the mall while he waited. Courtney stayed with me (she was so great!). We all helped pick the color of the wig. Then they sat me down for buzzing it off. I had her turn me so I couldn’t watch it in the mirror (Courtney took pictures). I was nervous but I was ready. After they shaved all my hair off she took me over to wash my hair and do a scalp treatment, then she brought me back to the hair chair. I looked up…..I was bald….I was doing ok. My first thought was I looked like Lex Luther. Just then the song from the movie “Frozen” came on over the radio. The words I heard at that particular moment were; let it go, let it go…It was at that moment that I broke into tears. I was letting it go. Cute Courtney was teary as well and came over to give me a hug. It was at that moment that I realized how sick I was. I looked like someone who was sick. We shared a sweet moment together.

  ....Ready to get my wig....               ....Starting the buzz....                         ....My Mohawk....                

Picture #4 Almost finished, eyes still closed...
            #5 Realization just how sick I really was. "Let it go"...
            #6 Fitting the wig...
            #7 Cutting the wig
            #8 The new me...for awhile....      

Since my doctors office was closing I actually had my last chemo treatment at LDS Hospital. They were really sweet and gave me a bottle of Martinelies to congratulate me even though I hadn't been getting all my treatments with them.
                                         

Being the Recipients of Selfless Acts of Love...........

     I have to write this while I'm at chemo today. We had the progressive dinner yesterday, it was fun but exhausting. Mark only went to the main course at Lorraine & Cort's house. Santa came for all the kids. Courtney was so sweet; she went shopping for me, made the salads, helped clean up etc. Chris helped also just not quite as much as Courtney. At the beginning of the week I was exhausted from getting up with Mark in the night. I had a final on my birthday and then went to chemo (a 2 med week). So between taking care of Mark, me being sick with chemo and having to get Paul up and ready for work and then being up in the night with Mark I was shot! I ended up keeping Paul home a couple of days.
     Monday night Ethan and Michael (some boys in the ward) put the lights on the tree. On Tuesday Lisa and Jenn came to help clean the house and decorate. It was really nice of them. They decorated things differently than I usually do, it was really cute. I got a new perspective on how I could decorate things differently. Wednesday night we celebrated my birthday. I got a new laptop and its touch, very cool! My other one is so slow and I'm afraid it was going to give out in the middle of school. It’s really nice. Chris did a great job picking it out and then following through with getting it after the stores web site went down right after going on sale. Thursday, Friday and Saturday I was sick. Now the littlest thing makes me throw up. On Friday my dear friend MaryAnn and her husband Paul paid to have their housekeeper come to clean my house. It was so needed for me mentally they will never know how much I appreciated that! Saturday was the ward Christmas breakfast, we went but got there late, we made it though. People were really sweet to come and say hi. Again Courtney was there to help Mark with getting his food because I wasn't feeling very good.
     Our sweet friends and ward have been so awesome to help us with bringing in meals, cleaning, picking things up at the store, sending notes, and stopping by. My family has been just as awesome! My Dad calls me many times to see how I'm doing, even though he's going through his own health issues right now. 
     If ye have done it unto to the least of these then ye have done it unto me...

Thank you so very much to all of you who have touched our lives in so many ways, may you all be                                                           blessed as abundantly as we have...

Really starting to lose my hair....Why Now?....Mark's Surgery......

I have my school final this week and a two med chemo week. On Saturday we have the ward breakfast and Sunday we have the progressive dinner. I hope I feel better so I can go. So as you could tell in my pictures I’m losing more of my hair. I don’t want to even touch it for fear more will fall out. I even asked the nurse last week if she thought it would still come out at this point. She said no and now it starts. My head is so itchy also. I wonder if the stress of school and Mark having his surgery added to the problem. I have only 3 more chemo treatments!!!! Then I’m done. They will check me quarterly and if they find something or suspicious about something then they will do a scan. They will continue to monitor the cancer marker called CA-125. If it goes up then there’s something to look at. If it stays down then we’re good. They want the marker to be below 35. I am now at 29! When this all started I was at 59. I went to see the GI doctor. He put me on a stimulate stool medicine because he doesn’t want any bowel sitting inside my intestines. He thinks the medicine and time, along with finishing chemo will help the ulcers to heal. I think it might actually be helping.

            Well Dad had his surgery on his broken ankle and both hammer toes one on each foot. We’ve got pictures, they’re gross so be prepared. When Paul looked at them he said that it looked like a bagel dog (big and puffy). Most everyone gets grossed out when they see his toes, especially Chris and Austin. He is doing really well. He hated the crutches so we had them bring out a knee scooter and he loves using that. It has a basket in front for him to carry stuff with him. So far he’s done ok with being non-weight bearing on his right foot. He keeps saying, can I really do this for 6 weeks? His left foot is in a Velcro shoe thing that’s long in the front to help protect his toes. There is a big wire coming out of the middle of his toes and then the end of it is bent. It’s not held in by anything so he has to be careful not to walk too much so it won’t come out or get bent. If it does then they have to go back into surgery and repair it. They had to break his toes in order to fix them. The surgery for his ankle was displaced (meaning there was about a 1/8 of an inch space between the two bones). So they had to do a bone graft to fill in that area. They took the bone from his foot. Normally they take it from your knee but with having his knees replaced they couldn’t take any from there. The doctor said his foot was out of alignment so he was going to straighten that out as well. After 6 weeks he’ll start physical therapy.

            It has been a Godsend to have Ryan out of work at this particular time so we will be able to use him, Austin and Mike to help run the business while Mark is laid up. He committed to work at least until the end of December. Ryan is good to work with Austin. The ward and family has been so great to help! With dinners cleaning, running errands etc. Craig even came up and he and Austin put up the Christmas lights outside.

What a Week!..............

            Ok, last week I had chemo and it was a two med week, which I’m usually sicker with anyway. On Friday I woke up sick!!! I couldn’t keep anything down. If I drank some water up it came. If I moved I would throw up bile. I couldn’t believe how sick I was. Saturday I seemed to be a little better at least I could get a nausea pill me in so hopefully I wouldn’t keep throwing up, it worked. I did throw up a couple of times but not like the day before. I still really didn’t feel like eating anything. Then on Sunday Mark went to an early church mtg. and Paul came in my room and woke me up saying he had thrown up in his bed.  I said ok and fell back asleep. The next thing I knew he had gone into my bathroom; his vomiting woke me up to reality… by the time I became coherent enough to go in and help him he had already done a number. He would throw up and then it would shoot out the other end all across my bathroom cupboards and floor. It was a sight to behold!!! I waited til he was finished (at least for the moment) and then attempted to clean it up still not feeling well myself. Mark came home took one look and said “I guess I’m not going to church”. He made a phone call, told me to go lay down, (Paul was in the tub) he filled the tub with water and said I’m going to eat first. Then he spent the next 3 hours cleaning the bathroom, showering Paul twice and then cleaning Paul’s room and the bathroom downstairs. I was a good thing he had parked the old trailer in the driveway the night before. So at that point I began to realize that I had had a flu bug along with the chemo, especially now that Paul was sick. NO FUN!!!

             Monday I left Paul home while I went to chemo but had Chris check on him. He reeked when I left and I had told him to shower while I was gone. Chris told him get in the shower when he checked on him and said the same thing that he reeked! I didn’t feel really good at chemo so the nurse gave me 1 ½ to 2 liters of extra fluid to help hydrate me which I think helped. She says people on chemo tend to get dehydrated anyway. I’m still recovering from chemo today with the headache and nausea. 

Last week I was a little depressed because I was tired of being sick. I

wanted it to be done and over but in reality I somehow knew that just the initial treatment would be over but not the full journey. I had a few teary moments. It wasn’t like I was giving in or anything. I somehow knew things would work out however that may be and I was at peace with that. It was I think the Holidays coming up and the thoughts that kept coming to me were about “how many more Thanksgivings or Christmas’s would I be around for”? I was driving in the car thinking I wanted to listen to Christmas music so I turned it on and the song that came on was the one about getting the shoes for his mom because she was going to meet Jesus tonight. I just bawled in the car. The week before we had gone to Peyton’s primary program and I got teary eyed thinking how many times will I get to enjoy this or with Chloe or with my other future grandchildren? Will I be able to see them grow up and get married, and have kids? I don’t know if anyone can completely understand. My parents are old enough and getting frail enough that those are thoughts that they would be thinking about not me, not now in my life. I know Satan is trying to discourage me. I have felt all along the prayers lifting me and giving me strength and somehow I have lost that feeling of how blessed it was to feel like I was being carried in Christ’s arms protecting me from the storm. Maybe he thinks it’s time for me to stand a little on my own again. Oh how I miss that peaceful feeling! 

Monday afternoon Mark went to the doctor to find out why his foot had been hurting. He sent me a picture and said it was fractured and that he would need surgery like next week not in a month. Oh my gosh!!! No, not now, it’s the busiest time for work and we don’t have anyone trained to take over for him, all the thoughts of being out of work, surgery, healing, losing customers, me dealing with cancer, school, finances. It was all too much!!! I lost it…after crying for a while, I picked myself up Mark and I talked and we both felt like it would work out. How, we didn’t know how but we would leave it in the Lords hands and let him guide us. I feel calm, still very concerned and checking into all our options. No decisions have been made but we are moving forward. Mark is supposed to be non-weight bearing on his foot due to the possibility of causing more problems but he’s stubborn and wants to provide for his family I can’t blame him. I just get concerned. He wears a brace that seems to help but he’s still working and doing everything he always does. He just can’t sit still. This surgery will be really fun…… His foot is bone on bone and eventually will need a fusion done but that’s down the road. The reason he needs surgery is that the fracture is at the base of the tibia which is a weight bearing bone and it’s not just cracked it’s displaced meaning that there is space in between the bone where the fracture is. They will have to do a bone graft from his heel to fill in that space. The longer he waits the more of a chance of it not fusing.         In the middle of the x-ray there is a horizontal line/space and  on the right of that line the space is barely there (that’s where it is bone on bone) from that point the crack goes up and also down making a wide sideways ‘V’. The upper part of that V is where his fracture is. So they will have to go in and put a plate and some screws in. Then he’ll do therapy so it will be 3-4 months.... 

 

                                                    Remember one step/challenge at a time.......

Reality Moments...........

         I haven’t been really good about writing in my blog lately. With tests at school, chemo, and being sick it hasn’t been a priority. I have tried to keep the most important info up to date though. As for me, my life consists of studying, chemo, being sick (nausea, headaches and fatigue), naps etc. Usually the weekends I feel better so I try and get things done and study (I get chemo brain fog after the treatment so I have to wait for it to wear off before I can really study). I notice the brain fog here and there but it’s more like I can’t come up with the word or thought that I was trying to say. I’ve gained weight hopefully I can get it back down after the chemo. The doctor thinks it’s from the chemo and not being active because of being sick. It’s not enough nausea to make me throw up just nagging at me all the time. So I eat a little something to see if will take it away and sometimes it makes it go away and sometimes it makes it worse. I still haven’t lost my hair but it is really thinning. After I comb it I shake my head to make the curls show up and all this hair falls out, so then I have to brush it off of me. I now know that if I drink lots of water it’s not so bad. My friend Sharla has this water machine that ionizes the water. You can also make it more acid or alkaline. She has me drinking it and I think it’s been helping with the nausea. This next week with it being a two med week will be the test to see how sick I get with drinking the water also.

I read this article from a cancer survivor’s magazine. This lady had developed cancer (I can’t remember the type) but it was aggressive, and I think they only gave her a couple of months to live. Her doctor couldn’t get her in for a couple weeks for surgery and she knew she didn’t have that much time. So she kept trying to call different doctors and clinics being a little annoying by calling again and again. Finally one doctor said he would work her in. She had the surgery and was on the road to recovery. I have a blank at the next part of the story (chemo brain) but then the end is she’s two years after the initial surgery and raising her two little boys and enjoying life fighting her cancer. She knew in the beginning that she would be the one to make things happen if she was going to live. She knew she had additional help from God to make things happen the way they did. “For me it was a great reminder that God is there. He's paying attention, and even though we're going through this trial, regardless of what happens, we're going to be OK." by Michelle Murray. Reading this article made me contemplate how really blessed my family and I are. There have been so many little small miracles all along this process. Sometimes I don’t recognize them right away but later as I’m reflecting they jump right out in front of me. I am so very aware of what he has blessed us with and he continues to do so.

I was driving to a chemo appointment one day and a song came on the radio. Immediately I started to cry it was one of those ‘reality moments’ (I call them that) where I can relate or it makes me think about stuff. I don’t know what the future will hold but I will cherish every moment I have! I can’t think of the song right now but I’ll tell you when I do (chemo brain). Last Sunday was Peyton’s primary program. Dad, Austin and I went. During the meeting I had another ‘reality moment’. I couldn’t help but think; how soon will I not be able to see another primary program. It’s moments like that that just creep into my mind. I guess that’s normal I don’t know. I try not to think about stuff like that and try to be optimistic and positive but every once in a while those thoughts creep in. Those are what I call a ‘reality moment’. I guess as the holidays approach it’s getting a little harder. Those thoughts of; how long will I be around for the family traditions I so much enjoy. It’s not like I think I won’t be around anytime soon, because I plan on fighting this cancer and being around for quite a while. We all don’t know when our time to go is, we could die from a car crash or a freak accident, but fighting something like cancer somehow makes you think about it a little bit more. My time may be sooner than later like when I’m 80. I guess it’s time to write a bucket list. One thing I really want to accomplish is to graduate from nursing school. I have three more semesters. Hopefully my health and my brain will be well enough to make that happen. I’ve worked so hard to be there that I really want to finish!

I am applying for long term health insurance hopefully I will know in a week or two. If I am accepted then I can pay for a discounted insurance rate through my work. The insurance company also wanted me to apply for disability. I said why I’m planning on going back to work? They said “it’s just in case, because it’s a long process”. So I’ve filled out the info for that. If worse comes to worse I will go back to work sooner than later so we can have insurance. I will have to deal with a preexisting condition which will probably mean a higher premium. So keep us in your prayers that we’ll get the long term disability and that work will stay busy so we can pay for the medical bills. This year we have met the deductible but its next year that I’m concerned about.