What a Week!..............

            Ok, last week I had chemo and it was a two med week, which I’m usually sicker with anyway. On Friday I woke up sick!!! I couldn’t keep anything down. If I drank some water up it came. If I moved I would throw up bile. I couldn’t believe how sick I was. Saturday I seemed to be a little better at least I could get a nausea pill me in so hopefully I wouldn’t keep throwing up, it worked. I did throw up a couple of times but not like the day before. I still really didn’t feel like eating anything. Then on Sunday Mark went to an early church mtg. and Paul came in my room and woke me up saying he had thrown up in his bed.  I said ok and fell back asleep. The next thing I knew he had gone into my bathroom; his vomiting woke me up to reality… by the time I became coherent enough to go in and help him he had already done a number. He would throw up and then it would shoot out the other end all across my bathroom cupboards and floor. It was a sight to behold!!! I waited til he was finished (at least for the moment) and then attempted to clean it up still not feeling well myself. Mark came home took one look and said “I guess I’m not going to church”. He made a phone call, told me to go lay down, (Paul was in the tub) he filled the tub with water and said I’m going to eat first. Then he spent the next 3 hours cleaning the bathroom, showering Paul twice and then cleaning Paul’s room and the bathroom downstairs. I was a good thing he had parked the old trailer in the driveway the night before. So at that point I began to realize that I had had a flu bug along with the chemo, especially now that Paul was sick. NO FUN!!!

             Monday I left Paul home while I went to chemo but had Chris check on him. He reeked when I left and I had told him to shower while I was gone. Chris told him get in the shower when he checked on him and said the same thing that he reeked! I didn’t feel really good at chemo so the nurse gave me 1 ½ to 2 liters of extra fluid to help hydrate me which I think helped. She says people on chemo tend to get dehydrated anyway. I’m still recovering from chemo today with the headache and nausea. 

Last week I was a little depressed because I was tired of being sick. I

wanted it to be done and over but in reality I somehow knew that just the initial treatment would be over but not the full journey. I had a few teary moments. It wasn’t like I was giving in or anything. I somehow knew things would work out however that may be and I was at peace with that. It was I think the Holidays coming up and the thoughts that kept coming to me were about “how many more Thanksgivings or Christmas’s would I be around for”? I was driving in the car thinking I wanted to listen to Christmas music so I turned it on and the song that came on was the one about getting the shoes for his mom because she was going to meet Jesus tonight. I just bawled in the car. The week before we had gone to Peyton’s primary program and I got teary eyed thinking how many times will I get to enjoy this or with Chloe or with my other future grandchildren? Will I be able to see them grow up and get married, and have kids? I don’t know if anyone can completely understand. My parents are old enough and getting frail enough that those are thoughts that they would be thinking about not me, not now in my life. I know Satan is trying to discourage me. I have felt all along the prayers lifting me and giving me strength and somehow I have lost that feeling of how blessed it was to feel like I was being carried in Christ’s arms protecting me from the storm. Maybe he thinks it’s time for me to stand a little on my own again. Oh how I miss that peaceful feeling! 

Monday afternoon Mark went to the doctor to find out why his foot had been hurting. He sent me a picture and said it was fractured and that he would need surgery like next week not in a month. Oh my gosh!!! No, not now, it’s the busiest time for work and we don’t have anyone trained to take over for him, all the thoughts of being out of work, surgery, healing, losing customers, me dealing with cancer, school, finances. It was all too much!!! I lost it…after crying for a while, I picked myself up Mark and I talked and we both felt like it would work out. How, we didn’t know how but we would leave it in the Lords hands and let him guide us. I feel calm, still very concerned and checking into all our options. No decisions have been made but we are moving forward. Mark is supposed to be non-weight bearing on his foot due to the possibility of causing more problems but he’s stubborn and wants to provide for his family I can’t blame him. I just get concerned. He wears a brace that seems to help but he’s still working and doing everything he always does. He just can’t sit still. This surgery will be really fun…… His foot is bone on bone and eventually will need a fusion done but that’s down the road. The reason he needs surgery is that the fracture is at the base of the tibia which is a weight bearing bone and it’s not just cracked it’s displaced meaning that there is space in between the bone where the fracture is. They will have to do a bone graft from his heel to fill in that space. The longer he waits the more of a chance of it not fusing.         In the middle of the x-ray there is a horizontal line/space and  on the right of that line the space is barely there (that’s where it is bone on bone) from that point the crack goes up and also down making a wide sideways ‘V’. The upper part of that V is where his fracture is. So they will have to go in and put a plate and some screws in. Then he’ll do therapy so it will be 3-4 months.... 

 

                                                    Remember one step/challenge at a time.......

Reality Moments...........

         I haven’t been really good about writing in my blog lately. With tests at school, chemo, and being sick it hasn’t been a priority. I have tried to keep the most important info up to date though. As for me, my life consists of studying, chemo, being sick (nausea, headaches and fatigue), naps etc. Usually the weekends I feel better so I try and get things done and study (I get chemo brain fog after the treatment so I have to wait for it to wear off before I can really study). I notice the brain fog here and there but it’s more like I can’t come up with the word or thought that I was trying to say. I’ve gained weight hopefully I can get it back down after the chemo. The doctor thinks it’s from the chemo and not being active because of being sick. It’s not enough nausea to make me throw up just nagging at me all the time. So I eat a little something to see if will take it away and sometimes it makes it go away and sometimes it makes it worse. I still haven’t lost my hair but it is really thinning. After I comb it I shake my head to make the curls show up and all this hair falls out, so then I have to brush it off of me. I now know that if I drink lots of water it’s not so bad. My friend Sharla has this water machine that ionizes the water. You can also make it more acid or alkaline. She has me drinking it and I think it’s been helping with the nausea. This next week with it being a two med week will be the test to see how sick I get with drinking the water also.

I read this article from a cancer survivor’s magazine. This lady had developed cancer (I can’t remember the type) but it was aggressive, and I think they only gave her a couple of months to live. Her doctor couldn’t get her in for a couple weeks for surgery and she knew she didn’t have that much time. So she kept trying to call different doctors and clinics being a little annoying by calling again and again. Finally one doctor said he would work her in. She had the surgery and was on the road to recovery. I have a blank at the next part of the story (chemo brain) but then the end is she’s two years after the initial surgery and raising her two little boys and enjoying life fighting her cancer. She knew in the beginning that she would be the one to make things happen if she was going to live. She knew she had additional help from God to make things happen the way they did. “For me it was a great reminder that God is there. He's paying attention, and even though we're going through this trial, regardless of what happens, we're going to be OK." by Michelle Murray. Reading this article made me contemplate how really blessed my family and I are. There have been so many little small miracles all along this process. Sometimes I don’t recognize them right away but later as I’m reflecting they jump right out in front of me. I am so very aware of what he has blessed us with and he continues to do so.

I was driving to a chemo appointment one day and a song came on the radio. Immediately I started to cry it was one of those ‘reality moments’ (I call them that) where I can relate or it makes me think about stuff. I don’t know what the future will hold but I will cherish every moment I have! I can’t think of the song right now but I’ll tell you when I do (chemo brain). Last Sunday was Peyton’s primary program. Dad, Austin and I went. During the meeting I had another ‘reality moment’. I couldn’t help but think; how soon will I not be able to see another primary program. It’s moments like that that just creep into my mind. I guess that’s normal I don’t know. I try not to think about stuff like that and try to be optimistic and positive but every once in a while those thoughts creep in. Those are what I call a ‘reality moment’. I guess as the holidays approach it’s getting a little harder. Those thoughts of; how long will I be around for the family traditions I so much enjoy. It’s not like I think I won’t be around anytime soon, because I plan on fighting this cancer and being around for quite a while. We all don’t know when our time to go is, we could die from a car crash or a freak accident, but fighting something like cancer somehow makes you think about it a little bit more. My time may be sooner than later like when I’m 80. I guess it’s time to write a bucket list. One thing I really want to accomplish is to graduate from nursing school. I have three more semesters. Hopefully my health and my brain will be well enough to make that happen. I’ve worked so hard to be there that I really want to finish!

I am applying for long term health insurance hopefully I will know in a week or two. If I am accepted then I can pay for a discounted insurance rate through my work. The insurance company also wanted me to apply for disability. I said why I’m planning on going back to work? They said “it’s just in case, because it’s a long process”. So I’ve filled out the info for that. If worse comes to worse I will go back to work sooner than later so we can have insurance. I will have to deal with a preexisting condition which will probably mean a higher premium. So keep us in your prayers that we’ll get the long term disability and that work will stay busy so we can pay for the medical bills. This year we have met the deductible but its next year that I’m concerned about.