Mother's Day...tangled....Perfection Pending....

Well I was just sitting at home with my foot up when Marks sister and her husband came by. They said hello and I replied come on in. They thought it was Paul, because all they saw was someone with short hair, sitting on the couch, (the back of my head was facing them). As they came closer

they realized it was me with the short hair. She really liked it short. She asked if I had gone out in public with it short yet? I replied only a couple of times, but that I was almost ready to go without my wig. My wig is becoming a nuisance; always getting tangled in back, its hot, and I have to use a little glue to keep it on (mainly for my own security). Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely loved my wig! I have been so grateful that I have had one. Well we visited for a bit and I explained what they did in my surgery. I showed them pictures etc. When they first came in she had a vase of flowers, red peonies. They are absolutely beautiful! She asked if I wanted the card so I said yes, I took the card and set it down and then we started visiting. During the course of the conversation it came up about who the flowers were from, I said I thought they were from Mark. She put her hand to her mouth and said I thought you knew. I replied knew what? She said that they were from Parker. Oh my gosh I didn't even think about him sending flowers. Then I remembered that last year he had a missionary he knew (that had just come home from his mission), get me a bouquet of flowers and deliver them to me for mothers day. I was shocked but grateful that he had planned the flowers on his own. He caught me off guard again this year with the flowers again for Mother's day. Here is the card he sent:

Alma 56:47-48
47 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.
I opened the card after Marks sister and her husband had left. I read it and started to cry of course (they all know I cry at the drop of a hat). It just made me realize that maybe I had taught my boys to have faith in God after all. It was such a ah ha moment for me. Sometimes as a parent, especially a mom, you never realize whether the things that you have tried to teach your children, were really understood. I mean whether they really sunk in and if you do find out that it sunk in, its usually much later in life, after they have experienced life a little themselves. All my boys are so unique, they each have their own special place in my heart even though some would say that I have a favorite. I don't! How could I? It's like comparing apples and oranges. I love each of them and for who each of them has become now and in the future. My greatest joy in this life is to have been able to raise these precious spirits, inadequate as I have been. To see them grow and become who they are is a priceless joy that I'll cherish always. There are so many “moments in time” that I have photographed in my mind of things each of my boys has done. So many cherished moments!
A friend of mine writes a blog called “Perfection Pending”. She really does have a way with words that I think most moms young or old can relate too. Recently she wrote a post called “What I love you really means”. I think it nails it on the head for me. See if it does for you as well.

What I Love You Really Means         MAY 7, 2015 BY: MEREDITH ETHINGTON (Blog: Perfection Pending)

He smiled at me across the counter as he crinkled his nose, and squinted his eyes in his coy three year old way that he always does. I said, “I love you” while we were doing something we do every morning. Trying to get him to eat his breakfast. It was the boring old song and dance of getting a 3 year old to eat, but the moment was important. Different. I saw him in that moment and he took my breath away.

I wanted to freeze that cute crinkled nose and squinty eyed smile in time so I wouldn’t forget it. I wanted him to know what I was feeling, but all I could say was, “I love you.”

I probably say hundreds of I love you-s to my three kids everyday. But, there is so much more behind that simple phrase when you’re a mom. It may sound routine to others that hear me say it over and over. It may even sound routine to my kids. I hope not because, to me, there is nothing routine about it. When my heart is exploding with happiness, joy, or even sadness, my go-to response is, “I love you.”

It’s not to diminish the event or situation, or feeling, it’s because it is the most powerful thing one human can say to another. I love you means everything. Because loving like a mother does, is something that you really can’t put into words most of the time.

So, I hope my kids know, that behind all those I Love You-s there is so much more being said. That may not know it now, but someday, they will. When they are parents. When they feel like their love just can’t grow anymore, but it does. When they experience heart-ache that is really someone else’s heart-ache. Sometimes the only thing you can muster up when the feelings are so big is a phrase that may seem common place to some. But, the human experience of being a parent is anything but commonplace.

So, when I say I love you, it really means, “I saw you helping your brothers today, and that made me happy.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “You’re growing up too fast little one. Please stay this way forever. Because my heart will miss the little you that you are right now.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I’m sorry.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “You astound me with your wisdom.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “Thank you for being the kid that always makes me laugh.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I’m proud of you.”

When I say I love you , it really means, “YOU made my day better today.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “Stay safe while you’re away from me. Because I couldn’t survive if you never came back to me.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I’m trying my best.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I need a hug today from tiny arms that mean everything.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I saw you today. I know what you’re feeling. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I’m glad you still want to hold my hand.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I am in awe.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I love watching you grow.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “I can’t believe the amazing person you are. And, the even more amazing person you will someday be.”

When I say I love you, it really means, “You are part of me. And, my heart will never be the same.”

I love you doesn’t just mean I love you when you’re a mom. A mother. A Mommy. Because love is a feeling. But, a mother’s love is more than just one feeling. It’s a roller coaster. It’s joy and happiness, frustration and sorrow all rolled up into one. Being a mom means big, big feelings that we never thought we would feel. It means another person is a part of us in a way we couldn’t have dreamed up if we tried. Being a mom means, I’m more alive now than I ever could have been without them.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms out there. Share this with a Mom you love.

Foot surgery?.....maybe?....Yes, it's a go!.....

     Today Dad and I went to doctor Van Boerum (the foot doctor). We both had xrays done and when he came in he said ladies first I presume, to Mark, and Mark said yes. So we talked about my foot. I told him it will have been a year since I started wearing the boot, the first week of May, before everything else started... I told him I had tried to go without the boot but I could only go without it around the house any more than that I would have to wear the boot. If I didn't then I would pay for it the next day. I told him I had been getting shooting pains in my foot. I also told him I had the heel lift and my orthotic in the boot to make it more comfortable, but that I still got the shooting pains. Sometimes they were really intense. He looked at my foot touched it and about sent me through the roof. He looked at me and said how opposed to surgery are you? I told him I was ready anytime, that I'd been in the boot long enough that I knew it wasn't going to get better without the surgery. He replied well I don't have time this afternoon....(funny guy) but we can get you in within the next couple of weeks. We talked about the chemo being done since the end of December and that I wasn't on any other meds that would interfere with the healing process. So he was ok with doing the surgery. In the surgery he said they go in and cut the tendon, shave away the pointed piece of bone on my heel (under the Achilles tendon, called a Haglunds deformity) & then re-attach the tendon to the bone, in the heel, with an anchor (that will stay permanently). My calf muscle is tight which makes the whole tendon tight. The tight tendon rubbing along the bone causes the Haglunds deformity (a bone spur) with a pointy peak. So as you walk on it the tendon rubs against the pointy part causing little micro tears, which then adds up to scar tissue etc. So he is also going to lengthen the calf muscle by making an incision under my calf muscle, cutting the tendon bending my foot to see how much they need to lengthen it, then they re-attach to tendon to the fascia. When he has the tendon pulled back (by the heel) he will have to debride (to remove dead, contaminated, or adherent tissue and/or foreign material) it. He says your tendon is supposed to be about ½ “ wide but mine is like an 1” due to the built up scar tissue from all the micro tears & inflammation. Here are a few random pictures of my foot condition and a similar surgery.

My xray of my Haglund's Deformity; the
pointy part of the bone between the dotted lines. 

Similar to my surgery but without
the tendon tear.

How the micro tears look

A normal heel compared to the
Haglund's deformity like mine  

An open look at the calf lengthening 

The screw they re-attach the
tendon to in the heel  

A training video of a similar surgery.

An open look at a torn tendon repair 

The Buzzheads....

     We went to a follow-up appointment for Mark from his broken ankle/surgery. While we were there we asked the doctor how soon I could have surgery on my foot? He said basically when my levels were normal, nothing abby normal, so I made an appt. at the same time Mark goes back in to be checked, in 6 weeks. I will have had my next (3) month check and my blood checked so I will know what my levels are for the appt. As far as what happens now with the cancer, I'm considered a survivor when I finished my chemo treatments. I will have (3) month checks for (2) years, then (6) month checks then yearly checks and at (5 years) if no cancer then I'm considered cancer free! I always have that nag in the back of my mind, what if it comes back? I have to really be positive and optimistic to over shadow those thoughts but mostly I do ok, when those thoughts do pop in they are usually short lived because I don't want to dwell on them. I think its Satan trying to get me discouraged.

     Here is a picture of us buzz heads (Mark & I). Mine is I think a little bit longer by maybe an 1/8 of an inch. My hair is coming in gray all along the front. I'm starting to have a problem with the tape or glue on my wig, holding my wig on because of my hair being longer. I've been making it work though. Sunday I got up and bore my testimony on how grateful I was to the Ward and all their kindness and support that they had shown our family this past year. Before I really started I told them if they really wanted to know how long my hair was they could see Marks haircut cause now they were about the same length. We are going to grow it out together. I don't like the cut on him so he has to grow it out a little longer on top. During my testimony Steve (a counselor in the bishopric) had said something in his testimony that I wanted to correlate my thoughts with but I couldn't remember what he said, so I turned to him and he was giving hand motions etc. to me to help me remember, I just said “chemo brain” oh well, then I continued to make my comments and then it came to me (what Steve said) and I related it to my thoughts anyway. Dad said it was funny but I really hate having chemo brain! It makes me feel not quite as confident in what I'm trying to say. I always have to double check things; dates, clarifying what I said, re-reading things etc. 

     The neuropathy comes and goes in the fingers on my left hand but it is always in my thumb. The fatigue is getting better each day but today things caught up with me (I think in part due to daylight savings time) so I had a really long nap...Here's a funny picture; I happened to throw my wig on top of my lamp and this is what it looked like.

  

Getting Braver.....

     Well I think I might be getting more brave going out without my wig on :). I went to the grocery store by myself with just a hat on-no stares, at least ones that I was aware of. Most of the time at home I just go bald or wear my bandanna. If someone comes to the door I quickly throw on a hat or bandanna. The other night someone came by the door, Austin answered it and said it was for me, so I came to the door and was just talking with this person (he wasn't looking at me weird or anything). We were carrying on a conversation when all of the sudden I realized I hadn't put on a hat or my bandanna. Oops! I was ok though, it didn't bug me. Usually its only close friends and family that I have let see me bald. I realized it was ok, that is who I am right now. That was a huge step for me to realize. Mark and I decided to run to the store, I didn't have my wig on cause I'd been home all day, so I just grabbed my Disney cap and put it on to go to the store. I told Mark to watch for people staring at me but neither of us really noticed any staring. Some people just smiled, others looked and then went on with there business. Even the pharmacy staff didn't bat an eye and they usually see me with my wig.

     

Most of the time my wig isn't hot, the thing that bugs me the most about my wig is, it gets tangled underneath and then starts sticking out like a rats nest on the sides... I did email my wig guy and gave him tons of suggestions and told him I was ready for my other wig anytime. I told him I wanted to show him some ideas on how to cut the wig better. I tried washing the underneath hair on the wig with moisturizing shampoo and conditioner but it took the color out from the colored mousse I used to color it with, so I will have to re-color it and use permanent color. I have also tried lots of leave on conditioner as well. It still gets tangled....

Reflections....Cancer.net....

Reflections (taken from http://www.cancer.net)

The end of treatment can be a time to look forward to

the future. New rituals and new beginnings can bring a

sense of relief and joy. It may also be a time of physical

and emotional change.

Now that treatment is over, try to take time to get

back in tune with yourself. Allow healing time for

you and your family members and caregivers. Think

about what you can do to begin living without cancer

as a main focus.

Whether good or bad, life-changing situations often

give people the chance to grow, learn, and appreciate

what’s important to them.

Many people with cancer describe their experience

as a journey. It’s not necessarily a journey they would

have chosen for themselves.

But it sometimes presents the opportunity to look at

things in a different way.

Out of the mouths of babes....

     Well over the weekend I developed another ingrown toenail this time on the big toe of my right foot. Another dose of antibiotic as well because it was infected.... 

     Today I went to run some errands and braved taking my grand-daughter with me. (I love to take them its just my energy level when I take them). So going in and out of stores (it was windy) this was the conversation:

Peyton: “Grandma Laurie your hair is going to blow off”

Laurie: “it will be ok”

Peyton: “my hair is long and won't come off'”

Laurie: “mine is long also so mine wouldn't come off either”.

Peyton:“ but grandma Laurie yours is just a wig, its not really long” (referring to my bald head underneath)....

Here's a current picture of me with my wig:

Four Month Follow Up With Dr. Dodson....side pain...

Today I went to see the OB Oncologist, Dr. Dodson. We waited awhile before we got in, he had an emergency he was trying to work in. He said I only needed to be seen every (4) months for the next (2) years by either him or the chemo doctor (Dr. Prystas). When I came in I would have a physical exam and take blood to check the cancer marker CA-125. We want my levels to be below 35. He said everything looked good. I asked him about the lesion on my adrenal gland (that they found on my CT scan) even though it was small (2mm). He said he wanted me to go see a general surgeon and let him decide what to do about it. So I have an appointment next week to see doctor Heidi Jackson. Hopefully it's nothing. He said I don't have to do my immunizations again , just the yearly flu shot. I told him about the pain I've been having on my left side and that we got a CT scan (which looked ok) and tried some medications for my bowel to see if that would help the pain. He thought it might be scar tissue and that would just go away with time. A good thing he said is it's not cancer because cancer doesn't hurt. You learn something new everyday. I also still have the fatigue. We asked the doctor how long it would take for the fatigue to go away and said at least 6 months to a year. Aghhh! Each day I can do a little bit more before the fatigue sets in then I'm done. Sometimes it takes me the whole next day to recover. We also asked him how long before I could do surgery on my foot. He said a minimum of 3-6 months after I stopped the chemo. So the earliest I could do the surgery would be the end of March first of April. I guess I will just have to wear the boot until then. I still have chemo brain and it really bugs me. I'll go back and read things I've written and it doesn't make sense. I guess I'm going to have to do some brain games or exercises to see if that will help.